Real...

When I started this blog, I had one goal in mind.

Be myself…

I hate fakes.

I know that ‘hate’ is a strong word, but I really don’t know how to better describe how much hypocrisy bothers me.

Someday, if you were sitting at my funeral (hopefully a ways away), I hope that you would hear stories about how transparent I was in life.

I never really did have much of a poker face.

What you see is what you get.

On good days…you can tell it’s good.

On bad days…well, I may try to smile for the crowd; but it never fails that someone pulls me aside and says, “Cyndie, what’s wrong…you just don’t seem to be yourself.”

I’ve come to realize that I am what I am; and, quite honestly, I’m okay with that.

I would much rather be someone who was real than to live behind the mask.

And so; today here I am.

Real as ever and willing to admit that it’s not a ‘happy Cyndie’ day.

Today is a grouchy, grumpy, Oscar all the way day.

As a matter of fact…it’s been that way for a few days now.

The other day I was in Target running errands when I apparently grabbed a cart from the parking lot that was not a Target cart (gasp!).

Can you believe they stopped me when I got into Target and told me to move all my belongings and my kids over to a Target cart!?

The sweet woman (who really was just doing her job) didn’t expect me to snap back at her.

I believe I said something to the degree of, “FINE! But not until I’m done doing what I’m here to do…otherwise I’ll just take my business elsewhere!”

Ouch.

You see, that’s the reality of who I am. I am far from perfect. Come on, who am I kidding…I am SOOOO far from perfect it’s pathetic.

For almost a week now I’ve been fighting with some internet problem. Countless hours, phone calls and trips to the computer technician have been made.

This morning I was on the phone with the friendly people over at Linksys and the man actually said to me, “Why are you so upset?”

My response:

“Because I have been dealing with you people for a week!”

Ouch.

The fact is…life is frustrating. There are things in this life that I will be happy to give up for Heaven one day.

But, the bigger fact is that I am an imperfect creature living by God’s grace in a fallen world.

I wish I could say I had it all figured out.

I wish I could be “happy” with every breath I breathe.

I wish I didn’t have a tongue that snapped or eyes that rolled in anger.

But, I am who I am.

Lord, please help me to be someone who shows love despite the way my heart may be feeling.

Please help me to shine for You no matter what circumstances are surrounding me.

Please forgive me for my shortfalls and fill my heart with peace.

As for the rest of the day…well; I’m headed to Target (yet again)….let’s just pray that I pick the right cart.